10 Forgiveness Tools (to help you let go of anger at your ex and yourself) by Karen Salmansohn
POSTED ON: September 21, 2011
Why forgiving your past is a sexy love magnet for attracting more love and joy into your future.
In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I explain how experiencing a bad love relationship (or a series of bad love relationships) can feel a lot like getting an electric shock every time you go for some cheese. After a while you think, “Hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t go for that cheese any more.” Similarly, after a while you might start to think, “Hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t go for love anymore.”
But you’ve got to have love in your life to be happy! It’s in our human biological nature, says my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle. He called love an “essential external good” of the highest importance with insight and knowledge being “essential internal goods.” Our true nature, according to Aristotle, is to love and be loved!
Although, admittedly after a bad breakup, the concept of love can feel more like2,456,841st nature.
I confess after I discovered my ex-Prince Harming cheating, I was tempted to keep myself emotionally protected. Thankfully, this breakup eventually led me to a big breakthrough. I realized I was not meant to learn: “I’ll never fall in love again!” I was meant to learn: “I didn’t fully understand what true love was all about.”
Thanks to this ex, I gained a plethora of insights on love which led me into the arms of my fiancé Prince Charming! These days, I look back on my ex with gratitude. So much so, I’ve re-nicknamed him my “Teacher.” I even replaced his name in my cell phone.
At this point, I’m convinced that nearly all our lessons in life are lessons in love. A big-time lesson: learning to send loving thoughts to your ex even if he’s harmed you. You must compassionately understand that his “harming” is a sign of his inability to love rightly because he’s operating from a lower consciousness. You must therefore pray for your ex to gain insight so he might grow into his highest potential.
Yes, if you want to get better at loving and being loved, it’s essential you learn the love of compassionate forgiveness. After all, it’s super easy to send loving thoughts to someone who’s loving toward you. But if you are to move forward into a healthy love relationship, you must release past negative emotions—all those lower vibrational energies created by anger, resentment and fears. You must do this for many reasons.
Let me start to explain by sharing a little story about a snake and a mistake.
The Snake Mistake
There once was a woman who was wandering in the desert and was bitten by a poisonous snake. All she could think about was how angry she was at this poisonous snake for biting her and angry at herself for wandering in the desert. And so she could not relax, forgive the snake, forgive herself and thereby calmly see that she could solve this poison problem and save her life, simply by sucking out the poison from her arm, as she’d learned years ago—but forgotten because she was angry. She passed away. The lesson learned? Forgiveness is a panacea for what ails you.
It’s funny. We all rationalize our anger as a necessary force to impel us to better results. But more often than not, anger blocks us from full mental clarity.
Aristotle said it well when he said: “We are easily deceived by our sense perceptions when we are in an emotional state…so that even a very slight resemblance makes the coward think that he sees his enemy … and the more emotional he is, the smaller is the similarity required to produce this effect.”
Basically, it’s in your best mental interest to release your anger so you can see the world more clearly. Anger is not only unhealthy for your mental state, but also for your body, creating coronary heart disease and high blood pressure. Researchers at the University of Ohio have reported that angry people take even longer to recover from injury.
Anger has also been shown to be at the root of many addictions as far ranging as drug, alcohol, food and shopping addictions. Addicts seek these vices to avoid feeling the pain of past resentments. Their anger becomes a boomerang—a “boomeranger” of sorts—coming back to whack them with an addiction.
A recent study by the University of Wisconsin did a test comparing “Forgiveness Therapy” versus routine drug/alcohol therapy. They showed “Forgiveness Therapy” helped to relieve the anger behind substance abuse even more successfully than routine drug/alcohol therapy. Not only did subjects display faster success, but created less recidivism.
Basically, just as there is alluring sexual attraction (which people can feel but not see), there’s also angry energy repulsion (which people can feel but not see). If you think angry thoughts, you will literally emit an angry vibration that can be intuitively felt by others—as if you’re giving off an anti-charisma.
Many quantum physicists believe your angry vibration can be felt in a larger universal energy field—thereby attracting negative circumstances. A well-known quantum physics expert, Lynne McTaggert, wrote about a study she witnessed where a happy person sent out loving energetic thoughts to an angry person, which then successfully calmed this angry person’s temper.
For these many reasons—and more—The Law of Attraction begins with The Law of Subtraction! Meaning? If you want to find healthful love, you must first let go of the pain of your past. Voilà.
1. Tell yourself: “I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can control what goes on inside. I forgive my ex, and am determined to gain insights on how to wisely avoid love situations like this one in my future.” Become determined to make this the breakup that led to your breakthrough. Or as I like to say: “Sometimes you have to reach ‘f*** this’ to get to ‘post-f*** this,’” the highly energized time when you are determined to break patterns of pain.
2. Rewrite your ex’s name in your cell phone as “Teacher.” Trust me. You will feel better immediately.
3. Write a thank you letter to your ex for all you’ve learned. Don’t send it. Keep it nearby to read every time you find yourself slipping back into your angry thoughts.
4. Tell yourself: “We are all good, loving souls who occasionally get lost.”
5. Remind yourself of a time you were forgiven. Be altruistic. Forgive back to your ex.
6. Remind yourself that when you resent someone you give them control of your emotions. You don’t want to give your ex that power.
7. Remind yourself when you respond with hate to hate, anger to anger, bitterness to bitterness, you ironically become part of the problem.
8. If you’re feeling stressed in general about your ex, supplement your SAM-e levels—which is a naturally occurring molecule produced in the body that becomes depleted due to stress, age and diet.
9. Remind yourself that when you train your brain to think more loving thoughts, your positive energy attracts more positive people and results. Plus, being peaceful makes you far sexier—so you’re more of a love magnet instead of a negativity magnet.
10. Remember: Love success is the best revenge!